dear sweet little light of ours—
Yesterday, your daddy called to inform me that he was on his way to Urgent Care because HI GUESS WHAT AN INSECT FLEW INTO HIS EAR.
This is really our life, dude.
Trust that if you ever have a real, actual thing with wings fly into your ear;
or break a glass while washing the dishes and slice open the important bendy part of your finger;
or ram an Exact-O knife into the webbing between your thumb and your hand;
or wake up with a mysterious, wtf is that even no I’m not going to touch it stop looking at me air pocket inside your eyelid…
WE GOTCHOO, BRAH.
WE HAVE BEEN THERE.
We’re officially in the third trimester now, which means that in about 12 weeks (give or take; you just work on baking and we’ll be here when you’re ready), you’ll be learning all about how Pink Floyd sounds on the outside, as well as spending a lot of time masquerading as an adorable, fluffy burrito that everyone wants to snuggle.
It’s going to be so great.
You know what else is great? A couple of weeks ago, I found an app that compares your growth to the size of various fancy carbohydrates.
I KNOW, RIGHT
You’ll be delighted to learn that, this week, you’re the size of a Couronne—
which is basically a bread that can double as a crown & probably if you wear it, you could become THE RULER OF ALL THE BREAD IN ALL THE WORLD.
So, you know, there’s something to strive for if you hadn’t outlined any specific career goals yet.
Other exciting milestones we’ve hit recently:
- The inability to put on shoes/pants/socks without either sitting down and/or holding myself up on a solid surface, because attempting to bend from the waist feels like I’m trying to fold a giant yoga ball in half
- The fine art of “peezing,”* which is sneezing.
But with pee.
- WE HAVE DRESSER PULLS FOR YOUR DRESSER! THEY ARE SO AWESOME!
- THEY ARE STILL DEFINITELY IN THE BOX FROM AMAZON! AND WE HAVE DONE NOTHING WITH THEM!
- Walking across the yard to your daddy the other night and having him proudly, tenderly inform me upon my arrival that I “walk like a pregnant person now, and it’s cute.”
- Literally leaving work in the middle of the day because my entire life depended on downing a copious amount of Double Stuf Oreos and milk.
I DON’T EVEN ENJOY MILK BECAUSE IT TASTES LIKE STRANGE STRING CHEESE, so I can only assume this craving was your doing, crown-shaped bread-child.
Our biggest third-trimester milestone so far, though, has been surviving the infamous gestational diabetes test last week.
Here’s a picture of you, high out of your tiny little mind on glucose:
Everyone’s been warning me about The Horrors of the Glucose Test since I was, oh, about 15 minutes pregnant.
And really, if we’re being totally honest here, I was concerned primarily about (a) the involvement of needles and (b) that having to fast before the test meant I couldn’t have my ritual Snickers.
(It’s this thing daddy & I decided upon after the first bloodletting back in week eight: If mama’s getting stabbed, she ALSO gets a Snickers.)
Given the horror stories I’d heard, I went in fully expecting the glucose drink to taste like actual hell—
AND YET, it actually tasted suspiciously similar to the orange Hi-C from McDonalds.
The worst part was that I had to down this entire concoction in under five minutes. Apparently, people don’t typically respond to this instruction with, “Is that a challenge?”, because when I did, the nurse was basically like lol idk it’s not even 9AM why is your curiosity awake just drink it.
Things I recommend you NOT do while you’re killing time in between swigs of glucose:
Read the ingredients list on said glucose drink.
Every “What To Be Randomly Terrified About When You’re Expecting” book & the legions of cat-litter-fearing medical professionals are all like,
Y’ALL STAY AWAY FROM THE EVILS OF LUNCH MEAT AND BACK SLEEPING
but sure totally have this giant cocktail of chemicals & assorted dyes and then let us stab you after.
IT’S FOR MEDICINES.
On the bright side, I did learn through my label-reading that the glucose drink is actually called Gluco Crush.
This fact alone made downing the rest of the beverage endlessly more fun, because I imagined Rex from Napoleon Dynamite shouting GLUCO CRUSH!! in my head every time I took a drink.
Not five minutes after I’d finished & settled down in the waiting room for the requisite hour wait, you’re were in there like
LOOK I CAN FLIPS
I CAN BOUNCES!!!!
i can hear my eyelashes
You have those now—
eyelashes, I mean—
as well as the ability to hear and be startled by loud noises, or so we’ve read.
Ever since we found that out, daddy’s made it his new life goal to try and scare the shit out of you.
It so far hasn’t worked, BUT IT’S BEEN REALLY FUN FOR ME.
And by “fun,” I mean “daddy gets sporadically shouty for no reason and then looks over at me excitedly afterward and goes, ‘Did I scare him?’
NO YOU DID NOT SCARE OUR UNBORN CHILD BUT THANKS FOR TRYING
You’re actually a lot of fun right now, what with all your flipping and bubbling around in there. Our newest favorite thing in the universe is watching you bloop around, practicing tiny high fives across various areas of my stomach.
We only get this part of our story together this once, you know?
Oh, I hope you’re ready for us, tiny love, because we can’t wait for you to be part of this rad life we’ve made.
We love you so freaking much, sweet boy.