“You have to get totally naked? Like, that’s a thing?“
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve brought my husband to his first girly-doctor exam—
the free gift with purchase of my 12-week babycake appointment, at which they’re also going to stab me.
BUT FIRST, NUDITY.
I assure you, with every ounce of certainty, that an impromptu doctor’s office striptease loses any chance it had at being sexy when it ends with climbing up on the exam table, throwing a cotton gown over your upper half, and covering your nethers with the equivalent of a gigantic paper towel.
“… and you do this every single time?“
My husband, the n00b.
“There’s also a gigantic Q-tip and stirrups,” I add, just before the door swings open to welcome in the nurse and CNA.
Oh, and the Q-tip, too.
“Don’t worry if it takes a minute to pick anything up,” Dr. Anderson explained a few minutes later, doppler in hand. “Baby is still really tiny and doing a lot of floating around and dancing in there, so it’s just a matter of finding the right spot at the right time.“
Things NOT to ponder in the OBGYN’s office while you’re waiting to hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time:
How extraordinarily weird it is to be the only one in the room wearing no pants.
But then there it was.
Here we are, hearing THE MIRACLE OF FREAKING LIFE that I’ve been feeding Spaghettios & produce to for the last 12 weeks, and my logical response is:
“OH MY GOD! It sounds like our baby is a bassline in a techno song!“
I don’t even like techno that much, you guys.
Seriously, you give me the chance to hear the heartbeat of a human life, that I created, out of thin air, with that hot guy I married… and my first reaction is to basically be like I’M PREGNANT WITH DEADMAU5!
But oh, my actual everything, husband’s face.
As soon as the doppler picked up on that little heartbeat, his entire face litup with the most incredible mixture of awe, excitement and BABE DID YOU HEAR THAT TOO.
& then you’ve got me, laying up there on the table like,
THERE’S A RAVE UP IN MY LADYGARDEN Y’ALL
Seriously, what is this kid going to do with us.
I PROMISE WE ARE PERFECTLY RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE, TINY BABY HUMAN.
Later, husband texts.
you know what I was wondering about today? how you are, how the baby likes our foods, maybe if it hates cheese.
like no joke.
I think seeing that hot guy I married as a dad might just be my favorite thing to ever happen so far.