a 14-step guide to drinking your good decisions

step one:
Acquire a coupon for your very own free bag o’ smoothie from the fabulous crew at Influenster.
Trek said coupon to your local WalMart, inside of which the same lady almost mows you down with her cart on three separate occasions. Like, I’m stoked to be around food, too, zealous shopper, BUT GREAT GRILLED CHEESUS I don’t want to be carted to death.

step two:
Locate Rader Farms smoothies in the frozen food section; marvel at how the bag is actually gigantic (35 oz., y’all; THEY DO NOT KID AROUND).
Grab Fresh Start Sunrise Refresh Fusion because the only other option is Fresh Start Daily Power Fusion, and that just seems like I’m asking to drink something that tastes like mulch.

step three:
Assemble smoothie-making station in your kitchen, feeling supremely excited because LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME MAKING GOOD CHOICES THAT INVOLVE KALE! I AM BASICALLY THE EPITOME OF GREAT DECISIONS RIGHT NOW!


(1) Smoothie receptacle, complete with a glass straw because they’re basically the greatest creation ever & make everything fun to drink; (2) measuring cup, because I will never be that girl who can be all “yeah, I just eyeball it” and have it end well; (3) blender, complete with extension cord, because the nearest outlet is literally 6′ off the ground and the struggle is real; and, most importantly, (4) smoothie-making ingredients, because key.

What’s cool about the smoothie bag is that it’s resealable; what’s less cool is that this feature basically was over before it even started because the seal is super flimsy, and it went rogue on me the first time I tried to reseal it.
Womp womp.

step four:
Read the instructions for smoothie creation, which are basically “pour a cup of water into the blender, then pour in a cup of the fruit, and then blend them and TAH-DAH you’re just the most amazing person to ever make breakfast, go you.

step five:
GLAMOUR SHOT.

Check out all the good-for-yous (frozen blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, kale and spinach) all up in there.
IT’S A FROZEN BAG OF GREAT DECISIONS, EVERYBODY

step six:
Create a one-cup swimming pool of water in the blender, then high-dive-style in the fruit and veggies.

(Y’all see my spice cupboard photo-bombing? HIIII SPICE CUPBOARD, I LOVE YOU SO MUUUUUCH.
Old houses are the best, you guys.
)

step seven:
Blend for 30 seconds.
If you’re me, this step also includes terrifying your darling pupper-dog, who cautiously enters the kitchen (and with good reason; I mean, for all intents and purposes, it does sound like I’m going at the floor with a lawnmower, so who’s just going to stroll in like ain’t no thing?) and then proceeds to observe the blending operations with a combination of curiosity and fear.

(I know you’re jealous of the confetti-fest that is our kitchen floor & matching prep table. IT’S ALWAYS A PARTY.)

step eight:
Falsely assume post-blending that it’s going to be a clean smoothie pour from the blender to the awaiting mason jar.

step nine:
Cultivate a really impressive assortment of curse words for it being so early in the morning because YOU HAD ONE JOB, SMOOTHIE, AND IT WAS TO GO INTO THE GLASS
STOP RUINING MY LIFE

step ten:
Pack up curse words for later use.

step eleven:
Exit house for work, smoothie and straw in hand, basking in glow of good decisions.
Inner monologue is all like LOOK AT ME AND MY IMPRESSIVE LITTLE VITAMIN-PACKED BREAKFAST AND ITS PORTABILITY, COPIOUS HIGH FIVES TO MEEEE

step twelve:
Actually TRY smoothie, at which point life comes to a bitter, screeching halt because IS THIS WHAT GOOD DECISIONS TASTE LIKE? I AM NEVER MAKING THEM AGAIN

step thirteen:
Realize smoothie actually resembles a majestic sort of fruit salsa, so at least it has that element going for it amidst this otherwise vast sea of disappointment.

step fourteen:
Crave salsa.

So, then; was Rader Farms’ Sunrise Refresh Fusion my most favorite breakfast choice ever?
Yeah, no.
Was it entirely their fault?
Nah.
I went in expecting a sweetened smoothie, but that’s not what this smoothie pack is about; it’s just straight-up fruit and veggies, no added sweeteners, GOOD MORNING AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU, ENJOY THE VITAMINS.

At any rate, it didn’t cost me a dime to decide that these smoothies aren’t for me, and hey, bonus—I also didn’t get carted to death while shopping for them.
We’ve all won today.

I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

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About ashley!

in love, obnoxiously happy, and up to a lot of awesome.
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3 Responses to a 14-step guide to drinking your good decisions

  1. As a professional smoothie maker (I get paid in good health, yo), I can tell you that smoothie is one banana and a spoon full of brown sugar away from delicious. And it would still be a good life decision. I would also use milk, not water.

  2. I am temped to take the above comment sans banana (because barf, not really, I am psychologically allergic to bananas) and try it…

  3. *not is support to be no as in “no really!”

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